Hugging the Midline

Protect Me From the Things I Want, Take 492

I think it's safe to talk to me again today. I was taking the whole John Edwards affair thing a bit PERSONALLY for a day or two, I will admit, as if I were a jilted lover instead of just a jilted campaign supporter. But now I'm moving on.

Glen can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I asked him even once today to help process my FEELINGS about the situation. I have gone at least 24 hours without typing a certain person's name into a Google search. When I decided to finally discard the Edwards campaign sign that had been on the top of a cabinet for months, I did not rip it to shreds or burn it or use it to wipe away hot, salty heartbreak tears; instead I folded it in neat little squares and placed it in the recycling bin.

Now I've got some gratitude going on. I caucused for John Edwards four years ago and again this year. If I had gotten what I wanted then, he would be the Democratic nominee for president, and when the news came out that he lied about his affair, it would have pretty much guaranteed a McCain victory. So I'm reminded again today that if things don't always unfold exactly as I'd hoped, that's a good thing.

We Still Got It

So, the big 2-0 high school reunion was this past weekend, and I can actually say it was fun. I think I was worried that walking in the door would feel too much like I was really back in high school, but thank God it didn't. It was nice to see those familiar faces again, but with fewer insecurities (for me, at least) and less baggage, to see people who I used to think of in tidy little categories as just people with their own unique and interesting lives that aren't always so easily categorized. That sounds a little Breakfast-Club-y, I know, but it's true.

It was such a treat to be around the old friends I adore adore adore (especially Kory, Jon, Mike, and Brooke) but don't get to see nearly enough. Those are the friends I can count on to have my back no matter what, and when I see myself reflected back in their eyes, I like what I see. We live all across the country, and for some of us it can literally be years between conversations, but they still know I love them like all kinds of crazy, and it's nice to know they feel the same.

  

Being the self-reflective type, the reunion was also a bit of a reality check for me. I have to admit to spending more than a little time obsessing over whether I was going to show up at the reunion with just the right handbag or shoes, and what I imagined certain accessories might say about me and my accomplishments and relative coolness (now that sounds like high school, for sure); a couple bizarro-world conversations over the weekend really helped put things in perspective for me, and reminded me that love and friendship and good times and keepin' it real are where my primary focus needs to be. I can be a slow learner, to be sure, but thanks to my unintentional teachers this weekend who reminded me: I am not my accessories! (I still think fashion is part of the great fun of life, of course, and handbags just might show up on my gratitude list from time to time; I just need to be sure not to let material concerns steer me off course...)

Last but not least, I must take a moment to brag about one of the highlights of my weekend. Friday night we had dinner at Leon's Pizza, where I always like to go when I'm back in town. They have the same tabletop Ms. Pacman game that I spent many hours playing on Saturday afternoons back in junior high in the mid-80s. I challenged JoEllen to a couple games, and it turns out I still got it! I don't even understand most of her PlayStation games and have yet to go near a Wii, so this is most likely the first and last time I'll beat her at a video game. I wish I was the type of always-prepared blogger who would have thought to capture photographic evidence of my big win, but this borrowed image will have to do. Ah, they don't make 'em like they used to!

Progress

183. At 5:01 on the nose, I got up from my desk, stepped outside, and quickly pushed the empty stroller a few quick blocks to our babysitter's house, the sweet smell of lilac and clover thick in the air. After Jack said his goodbyes, we strolled home at a leisurely pace while I fielded a steady stream of questions: What's that? ...and that? ...and that? Where are we? Where Daddy? Where Jo? Where my sungassies? When Jack go MiMi house? Jack pway baseball? Where my butt?
     
     Glen was off to pick up Jo, so Jack and I were on our own for the evening. We had an easy dinner capped off by Jack feeding Mommy from a shared bowl of perfectly juicy strawberries. Then there was the nightly walk to the square, where we took turns chasing each other across the grass, Jack squealing with laughter and throwing himself into my arms. Walk back home, bath, stories, hugs, bed.
     
     Sure, there were a couple minor meltdowns for good measure, but I'm learning to take those in stride as just part of the two-year-old territory. Mostly my evening with Jack left me feeling deeply grateful for the easy joy of our lovely little family routines.
     
     Lately I'm finding more and more that I can let life's sweetness sink in, while the tougher stuff rolls off my back just a little more quickly. That's some progress, people.

Where Trouble Melts Like Lemondrops

A couple mini-crises presented themselves today, so it was fortuitous that I made the commitment yesterday to focus on gratitude; it helped:

128. Well-timed Advice — Yesterday when a minor issue arose at work and it turns out I was right about something all along, a co-worker had to remind me: Never doubt your instincts. At the time I just laughed and asked her to embroider her advice a pillow for me. Even though that's the Chicken Soup for the Soul type of wisdom we encounter on a daily basis, its still sound advice; for some reason that little nugget (no pun intended!) really stuck with me, and today when a more significant life issue arose, I remembered her advice to trust my gut, and put her words into practice. Note to self: Be open to wisdom from unexpected sources.



129. Knowing When Enough is Enough — Take that, Mediacom!!!



130. Our Little Dictator — There's no end to the funny things Jack comes up with as he's trying out new words every day; he's even cute when he's issuing orders: "Mommy bang bang hammer - do it do it!" Pointing a finger in the direction of the park when we're out on a walk: "Mommy go dat way! Over dere! Jack pway park! Do it!"



131. Juicy Blogs — A few days ago I wrote that I was grateful for the discernment to avoid sharing overly personal information in this forum. Then the thought occurred to me that I hope none of my favorite bloggers take my advice too seriously: I love commiserating with a couple bloggers' juicy online dating fiascoes; and I'm really touched when other folks share what they've learned from a parenting or relationship issue, or from bouts with depression or substance abuse or illness or grief. Even with this little blog, the posts that generate the most positive feedback are the ones in which I've had the courage to go out on a limb and share something I'm struggling with. For me, I guess it's a balance of sharing enough to be meaningful for my readers, but not going so far as to be overtly hurtful to anyone else; hopefully I manage to stay on the safe side of that line most of the time.



132. A (Gender Bender) Song That Always Makes Me Feel Good — This particular video shows clips from the performer's funeral, so its bittersweet.
     
     

Protect Me From the Things I Want

Busy, sleepy, grateful lady:

121. Books, Wine, and Conversation — The first meeting of my book club Thursday night brought lovely conversation that easily flowed from the book to...everything else...and back again. A much-needed addition to my life.



122. Power Walks — A new walking partner to encourage me to drag my lazy self out of bed for early-morning power walks (a nice complement to the more leisurely evening strolls with my guys).



123. Power Naps — Jack plays so hard Monday through Thursday at daycare that by Friday he is pooped, and ready for an extra-long afternoon nap. Since I'm home with him on Fridays, I usually try to cram lots of blogging and checkbook balancing and house chores into that three-hour stretch of alone-time. But yesterday I was extra tired and decided to take a long nap myself. I'm so lucky to have the luxury of a three-day weekend every week; I wish such a sane schedule for everyone!



124. Kites — We took Jack to a kite festival in Grinnell today, where he jumped up and down squealing with excitement to see so many kites in the sky, flew his first kite like a pro, and ran...and ran...and ran.



125. Rain — If rain hadn't been part of the mix this weekend, Glen and I would have spent much of our third weekend in a row PAINTING. Sometimes it's a blessing when mother nature foils my well-laid plans for productivity, and laziness is prescribed instead. Which leads me to the next item...



126. Unexpected Lessons — A few days ago I said I was grateful for "rising oil prices." Of course, I'm not especially grateful for the resulting damage to our bank account, but for the changes in habit those rising prices have thrust upon us. That last post has caused me to reflect upon other uncomfortable life circumstances that have nudged me into changing for the better, sometimes in almost imperceptible ways, sometimes significantly. Times that life hasn't handed me quite what I wanted or expected or quite on the time-table I had hoped for. When I just had to learn some damn lesson the hard way, but the results of that lesson carried me safely to the other side. I've followed a winding, sometimes-difficult, often-surprising trajectory to end up with this life I adore, and I'm reminded not to force things too hard in my preferred direction.