Hugging the Midline

GratefulMo 3: I Need This

Not long ago a friend commented that she relates most to my blog when I seem a little off. Well, Renee must be LOVING this place the last couple months, because "off" has been rearing its little head more often than not around here.

I just realized that it has been six months (SIX MONTHS!) since I added to my gratitude list. That needs to be corrected. I've been so busy lately, which I know I've been saying pretty much non-stop for the last six months. I'm the kind of girl who likes my downtime, and when it's in short supply, I can start to bristle here and there. I guess it's when I feel like I have to be "on" every second of the day that I start to feel "off" inside. I've felt too busy to blog. Too busy to stop for five minutes and remind myself of the many reasons I have to be grateful.

But I know that when I DO take those few moments every day, I feel about a zillion times better. So I'm just going to go for it. GratefulMo 3 is in order, don't you think? Thirty days of gratitude to whip me into shape. I know you'll forgive me if my postings are a little rushed, maybe not always Pulitzer Prize material, maybe not even spell-checked, but heartfelt, for sure, and desperately needed.

Let's see if we can drum up five reasons to be grateful tonight:

222. I'm grateful that MY JURY DUTY WAS DEFERRED!
     
     
223. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've been given lately to learn and change and grow. Sometimes the way I go on and on, you would think I'm about to have a couple limbs amputated, for God's sake. Nope, just working really hard. And getting the PRIVILEGE to expand my career in exciting directions. Which will probably not kill me. Which is probably good for me when you get right down to it.
     
     Leading this project at work that is stretching me out of my comfort zone just a bit. Working with Glen to open this new business, which stretches me out of my comfort zone even a little bit more.
     
     It's good to learn how much strength I have within me, to push myself further and do more than I knew I could, to impress myself once in a while. It's good to learn where my limits are, when I need to ask for help, and when I need to ease up just a little bit. It's good to remember that I'm not perfect, to have the courage to say I'm sorry. Again. 
     
     
224. I'm grateful for the ease with which things have fallen into place to allow us to start our shop. The storefront immediately available in the perfect spot on our beloved town square. The trusted carpenter immediately available to renovate the space. The single e-mail that has resulted in enough beautiful merchandise to fill the shop and then some. The support and help from family and friends, especially from my dad who has now made four (or more?) six-hour round trips to come paint and polish and transport signs and serve as general moral support. The financial pieces that have lined up with almost eerily perfect precision to make this possible. Not that we're not WORKING HARD and encountering mini-obstacles, mind you, but overall this has the feeling of meant to be.
     
     
225. I'm grateful for my son's first smile of the morning. When he comes running into our room and climbs into our bed with a book for me to read, sunshine smile spreading across his happy little face, morning squeezes all around, nothing could feel better. I've never been a morning person, but those smiles are worth waking up for.
     
     
226. I'm equally grateful for Jack's bedtime routine, morning and evening quiet times the sweet bookends to our days often spent too long apart. Bath, PJs, books, cuddling. Graduating now from baby songs to Beatles songs, he can tell if I get the lyrics wrong, and he actually thinks I'm a great singer. Tonight when he thew his arm across me and asked me to cuddle "just a wittle bit more," I had a moment of thinking I couldn't feel happier.

Spent

Here's our little punkin who will be three on Monday, asleep on the couch at 7:30PM after a long weekend of birthday partying. Crazy about that kid.

You know you had a good weekend away when...

...all of your pictures are kissy self-portraits. :-)

[P.S. Some photography bloggers like to find hidden hearts in their pics. I just noticed that my scarf forms a blue heart in the center of this pic. Nice. P.P.S. This picture is our reflection in the giant bean in Chicago's Millenium Park.]

GratefulMo: A Certain Softness

221. God, what a spectacular fall weekend in Iowa. Perfect for carving pumpkins, baking Halloween cookies, and trying on costumes. Caramel apples and squash baked with brown sugar. Setting up the new garage, and the porch made free now that the bikes and strollers and other assorted summer gear have been stowed in the garage. Plenty of the kind of walks fall is famous for, both alone and with my guys, with the golds and browns and reds popping out against the blue sky and lake, leaves crunching underfoot, brisk enough at the start for a light coat that gets shed halfway through.
     
     I was talking to my friend Mary this weekend about a blog we both like that makes its writer scads of money, how sometimes it would be fun for me to write something with a bit more edge to it. But this weekend I've thoroughly appreciated the fact that there's a certain softness to my life these days, mostly sweetness and joy and laughter and ease that's pretty hard to beat.
     
     I could probably complain about a thing or two here or there, but mostly I'm feeling so grateful to have been next in line on the perfect weekend waiting list, hardly a rough edge in sight.
     
     A few pics as proof:    
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
      
     
      
     
     
     
     

GratefulMo: More Play Room

Even though I'm tired and sore from a weekend spent painting the Play Room, I'm excited about the great progress we made and so grateful for:

205. The preschool teacher who gave up her weekend to babysit while the parents painted.
     
     
206. The high school students and Rotary members who showed up to help (I shudder to think where this project would be without the Rotary, who has donated the bulk of the cash to this project so far, and sent three guys to help paint yesterday; I realize how vital groups like the Rotary are to the vibrancy of a small town like Fairfield...).
     
     
207. My husband who perched high on a ladder for two days to scrape and paint the 12-foot ceilings, and has offered to head over to the room by himself this week to do the final touchups; I didn't intend for Glen to devote his whole weekend to my pet project, but I'm touched that he did.

208. My fellow committee members who helped keep my enthusiasm for this project going more than once over the past few months when things got tough and I considered giving up.
     
     
     
     
209. My personal sense of accomplishment - My volunteer efforts in the past have been more peripheral, so it's really exciting to be so intimately involved with a project that will make an important impact in my community.



210. Before the painting extravagnza on Saturday and Sunday, Jack and I had a blast on Friday playing in the leaves. Come winter I know we'll make great use of the Play Room, but I'm grateful that those harsh winter days are almost impossible to imagine on beautiful fall days like these:

 

GratefulMo: I Made it Through Another Day

The last couple weeks at work have been off the charts high stress for me, culminating in a couple big deadlines today. I'm grateful for the things that helped me make it through this crazy time with a reasonable amount of sanity still in the bag:

201. Telecommuting - Being in the office once a week or so gives me a nice contact buzz from the hard work and creative energy of my co-workers. But that's about all I need. Too much time in the corporate environment has the opposite effect and seems to drag me down, so I'm glad I don't have to be there every day. My balance of in-office/work-from-home time seems just about right to help keep me focused, reasonably creative, and not too stressed.
     
     
202. Support - A husband who cooked dinner almost every night (or was it every single night?) this week. And then there was the 20-minute phone call of my sheer venting yesterday. I don't think he got a word in, but I felt better afterward (thank you thank you thank you, honey).
     
     
203. Yoga - Today over lunch was my weekly semi-private yoga session. I was so stressed that I almost canceled, but I wised up and decided I needed those 90 minutes to keep me sane. Joetta is such an amazing teacher; how she has managed not to be scooped up by the big leagues is a mystery to me, but I'm so not complaining.
     
     
204. Love - Tonight before bed Jack kept hugging me and saying "I love you, Mommy!" I don't think he's ever said that unprompted before. Then he would touch my head and say "I love your hair, Mommy!" Can you beat that?

GratefulMo 2

Well, what do you think, time for another GratefulMo? I think so, too.

I was just looking through some of my posts from the first GratefulMo I did in the early summer, and saw how happy those 30 days were for me, how very focused I was on the little joys of everyday life.

It's been kind of a rough summer, folks, primarily because of Glen's dad's death, and lots of little frustrations piled on top. I keep trying to get myself back in gear, and I think another GratefulMo might just hit the spot. I came across this quote today on the Happiness Project, and was reminded of how good gratitude makes me feel:

“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” — Colette

So, to start, today I'm grateful for early autumn's simple joys:

195. Indian summer — We're soaking in every second of this unexpectedly gorgeous weather. I can hardly stand to go inside these days.
     
     
196. Seeing things from a different perspective — I don't remember the last time I collected acorns. In fact, I don't remember ever collecting acorns before, although I suppose I did as a kid. It's been so much fun this fall picking up acorns with the kids at Chautauqua Park. Seeing how the acorns change color throughout the season, really noticing the textures up close, astounding Jo who doesn't quite believe me when I tell her a single acorn can produce a towering oak tree, showing Jack how the tops look like little hats and helping him stage mini-plays with his acorn friends.
     
     
197. The last of the garden's bounty — Our friends Christi and Tyrell have a surplus of little yellow cherry tomatoes in their garden, and have invited us to consider them ours. I've been wandering over to their yard with a basket every other day lately, and I'm trying to sneak tomatoes into every meal between now and first frost.
     
     
198. Apple crisp — One of my Grandma Norma's signature desserts, apple crisp always brings back great family memories when I make it this time of year.
     
     
199. Open windows — In Iowa there's a narrow window between AC season and furnace season, although this year I think it has been a little longer than usual. I love the cross-breeze in our bedroom, waking up in the night to reach for a light blanket and someone to to warm me up.

Ahh, that did the trick. You should try it.

In the Midst of It

I've been neglecting these little pages lately while our family focused first on supporting Glen's dad in his last days, then grieving Kenneth's death.

It's not that I was too busy to write, necessarily; Glen and his siblings did most of the work caring for Kenneth in the hospital, planning the absolutely beautiful visitation and funeral, dealing with estate issues, and of course the emotional work of grieving the loss of their dad.

If it had been an illness and death in my own family, I probably would have used my blog as part of my grieving process, but it would have felt like a betrayal of confidence to write much about my husband's private grief. Since writing about anything else felt out of place in the midst of things, I stayed quiet for a while instead.

The day after the funeral, Glen and I left for a previously-scheduled long weekend in Kansas City. We had considered canceling the trip, but I'm so glad we went. It wasn't exactly the trip we had initially planned, but it gave Glen a chance to decompress after an emotionally draining past few weeks, and we managed to squeeze in some low-key fun, too.

A few things I'm grateful for after our little weekend away:

190. Street performers - While enjoying a glass of wine from a rooftop bar one night, a dad and daughter duo with their karaoke machine crooned sweet 70's soul tunes from the sidewalk below. Glen and I have encountered some great performances this way, including a memorable comedy routine in NYC's Washington Square Park during our first time away together. I love a trip that includes plenty of time for aimless wandering; some of our best vacation moments have happened by chance.  
     
     
191. Sushi and gelato - The whole experience of eating sushi is so much fun with the presentation and chopsticks and little dishes for dipping. Even after I've eaten as much as I want, I never feel full. What could be better than wandering down the street after a great meal for a sweet treat in a miniature flower-shaped dish with a teeny-tiny spoon. Best vacation meal combo ever.
     
     
192. BBQ, blues, and beer. Did I just annoint sushi and gelato my favorite vacation meal? Depends on the mood I guess; this combo is pretty tough to beat: incredible live music in a divey kind of place, delicious melt-in-your-mouth beef burnt ends, hot and sticky night, cold beer from the bottle. Especially after the more sterile atmosphere of staying at the Country Club Plaza, this night was just what we needed.
     
     
193. A late-night swim with my sweetie 
     
     
194. Being missed - As we loaded Jack and Jo in the car for a few days with my parents, Jack serenaded me with a new song: "I wuv Mommy, yes I do! I wuv Mommy, yes I do!" Then a few days later when we picked them up, our little guy joyously yelled "Mommy! Daddy! Mommy! Daddy!" while doing the happiest dance I've ever seen. Man, it's almost worth going away just to be loved up that much when you get home.

We've been home just a couple days, and we're already getting ready to leave again. Tonight we head to Des Moines en route to Denver where we'll spread my Grandma Jo's ashes with my mom's extended family. JoEllen has been a great help getting ready; she is so excited for her first time seeing the mountains and she's happy to do extra chores to make money for the trip.

Last night we cooked a real dinner at home for the first night in a while; since Jo was helping me cook, Jack had to get in on the action, too. He added ingredients to the bowl after Jo chopped them, and was a surprisingly good helper! (The background of this pic also showcases my inspiration for a dream bathroom remodel.)

Early tomorrow morning we'll cram seven people in my parents' van for a ten-plus-hour drive. Wish us luck!

The Men in My Life

Today is my Dad’s 60^th birthday. When he ran his first marathon in his 50’s, he accomplished the unusual feat of running the second half of the 26.2 mile race faster than the first half. Turns out the second half of life just might mirror the marathon and end up being the time when he really hits his stride.

He got off to a strong start last summer when he decided to take the stage for the first time since high school with the lead role in his local community theater production of the musical King Arthur. Good thing he didn’t glance at the script before tryouts and realize he was in almost every scene of the three-hour musical with several solo songs; he might not have taken the role if he’d realized what he was getting himself into, but I’m pretty sure he’s glad he did. Memorizing all of those lines nearly did him in, but that which did not kill him (or poor Mom, his memorization coach) only made him stronger, and the experience seems to have been life-changing for him.

The guy’s got more dreams and schemes for his golden years than you can shake a stick at (and he’ll share details about any of these plans if you care to ask; how much time you got?). There are a few European trips in the works, collaborative projects with family and friends, research, writing, farming, maybe a root cellar, and probably dozens more ideas cooking in his brain that I just haven’t heard about yet.

Dad has been a true inspiration for me, and gives me hope that each year of life can continue to be the best year yet. Unfortunately I don’t have a picture handy of Dad in his King Arthur tights, but if someone sends me a copy, you know I’ll post it. Happy Birthday, Dad.

*********

Celebrating my dad’s birthday today is bittersweet as Glen’s dad has been in the ICU for the last week after a devastating complication following surgery. I feel like the details aren’t really my story to tell, but I will say that it has been both heart-wrenching and inspiring to see Glen and his siblings rally around their Dad, travelling to be with him daily, holding his hand, giving him words of love and support, reaching out to him in whatever way they can.

So the last week I’ve been trying my best to be a rock for the one who usually serves that role for me. It feels pretty inadequate to offer cookies, hugs, space when he needs it, listening ears when he needs them, but that’s what I’ve got; I hope it helps at least a little.

If you want to send some prayers or best wishes or loving thoughts to Glen and his dad and siblings in these tough upcoming days, I’m sure they’ll take all they can get.

********

Of course, I can’t write about the men in my life without mentioning the sweet little guy who manages to bring us daily joy even through this especially tough time. Glen told me that the other day in the hospital the aunts wanted to see some pictures of Jack, so everyone crowded around the laptop to check out my blog. Unfortunately I haven’t been posting many pictures of my munchkin lately, so this is my attempt to remedy that oversight. Here you go, for all of the aunts out there, and anyone else who needs a little spoonful of sugar tonight.

We Still Got It

So, the big 2-0 high school reunion was this past weekend, and I can actually say it was fun. I think I was worried that walking in the door would feel too much like I was really back in high school, but thank God it didn't. It was nice to see those familiar faces again, but with fewer insecurities (for me, at least) and less baggage, to see people who I used to think of in tidy little categories as just people with their own unique and interesting lives that aren't always so easily categorized. That sounds a little Breakfast-Club-y, I know, but it's true.

It was such a treat to be around the old friends I adore adore adore (especially Kory, Jon, Mike, and Brooke) but don't get to see nearly enough. Those are the friends I can count on to have my back no matter what, and when I see myself reflected back in their eyes, I like what I see. We live all across the country, and for some of us it can literally be years between conversations, but they still know I love them like all kinds of crazy, and it's nice to know they feel the same.

  

Being the self-reflective type, the reunion was also a bit of a reality check for me. I have to admit to spending more than a little time obsessing over whether I was going to show up at the reunion with just the right handbag or shoes, and what I imagined certain accessories might say about me and my accomplishments and relative coolness (now that sounds like high school, for sure); a couple bizarro-world conversations over the weekend really helped put things in perspective for me, and reminded me that love and friendship and good times and keepin' it real are where my primary focus needs to be. I can be a slow learner, to be sure, but thanks to my unintentional teachers this weekend who reminded me: I am not my accessories! (I still think fashion is part of the great fun of life, of course, and handbags just might show up on my gratitude list from time to time; I just need to be sure not to let material concerns steer me off course...)

Last but not least, I must take a moment to brag about one of the highlights of my weekend. Friday night we had dinner at Leon's Pizza, where I always like to go when I'm back in town. They have the same tabletop Ms. Pacman game that I spent many hours playing on Saturday afternoons back in junior high in the mid-80s. I challenged JoEllen to a couple games, and it turns out I still got it! I don't even understand most of her PlayStation games and have yet to go near a Wii, so this is most likely the first and last time I'll beat her at a video game. I wish I was the type of always-prepared blogger who would have thought to capture photographic evidence of my big win, but this borrowed image will have to do. Ah, they don't make 'em like they used to!